A Pause, Not an Ending

Since I’ve written openly about my return to graduate school, I want to take a moment to share an update and acknowledge a change in direction.

I’m not in graduate school anymore, for now.

This wasn’t a decision I made lightly, and it wasn’t about a lack of interest or commitment. If anything, the desire to keep learning is still very much there. What changed were the logistics — specifically around student loans — and they ultimately made continuing right now impossible.

The first issue was available financial aid. I knew I didn’t have enough to realistically cover the program, but updated figures — especially once interest was factored in — meant I wouldn’t even have half. I could have borrowed a small amount, but that leads to the second and much bigger problem: borrowing even a minimal amount would have reactivated my previously discharged student loan debt — over $130,000.

That debt was discharged due to disability. To take out new federal student loans now, I would be required to provide a doctor’s note stating that I’m able to complete the program. And the reality is that no one can definitively say that I am — or that I’m not. Chronic illness doesn’t work that way. Asking a doctor to guarantee future capacity just isn’t realistic, and it’s not a position I’m willing to put myself or a provider in.

So I had to step back.

And yes — that’s been disappointing. I worked hard to get back to a place where graduate school felt possible again, and letting go of that momentum is really hard. There’s no way around that.

But there is a silver lining — actually, several of them.

First, my discharged student loan debt is gone forever. It will not come back, as long as I don’t borrow again now. That alone is enormous, and I don’t take it lightly.

Second, this isn’t an indefinite pause. In November 2028 — just under three years from now — I’ll be eligible to request student loans again without reinstating my old debt and without the previous loan limits in place. That changes the picture entirely.

Once I understood that, something shifted.

This pause doesn’t close doors — it opens them.

When I return to school, I won’t be boxed into the same constraints or limited by the same financial rules. I’ll be able to choose any program that makes sense for me — including paths I once thought were completely out of reach. Even a PhD, which I’ve quietly wanted for a long time but couldn’t see a realistic way to pursue before.

What I’m Focusing On Now

In the meantime, I’m not putting my skills — or my energy — on hold.

For now, I’m refocusing my attention on the work I already genuinely enjoy: proofreading, editing, and tutoring. Tutoring in particular is something I’m excited to lean into more fully again. Working one-on-one with students, helping them build confidence, and supporting their goals has always been meaningful to me — and it keeps me connected to learning in a very real, human way.

I’m also in the early research and planning stages of a potential business venture. It’s still very much in the brainstorming-and-spreadsheets phase, but it’s energizing to explore what’s possible when I’m not trying to fit everything into a single, rigid timeline.

So no — I won’t be idle. I'll just be reallocating my effort.

I’ll be working, teaching, planning, and building — just on a different track for now.

This isn’t the outcome I hoped for, but it’s one I’m approaching thoughtfully. I’m also deeply grateful to everyone who’s supported me, even as the path forward now takes an unexpected turn.

For now, I’m focusing on doing good work, helping others learn, and staying open to what comes next. Graduate school isn’t off the table — it’s just waiting for the moment when the timing, the finances, and the reality of my life all line up a little better.

And honestly? If this isn’t an example of me living out my word of the year - FlowWard - I don’t know what is.

FlowWard is my reminder to move with the reality in front of me instead of trying to force outcomes that aren’t workable, just because I want them to work (and because I keep thinking that if I try hard enough, they will). It’s about adjusting course without giving up direction — choosing progress over pressure.

Lupus has been a very interesting teacher. Not a welcome one, obviously - but then not all lessons in life are, are they?

I didn’t fight the current here. I paused, recalibrated, and chose the path that both makes the most sense and keeps me moving forward, even if it’s not the one I originally planned.

That’s what I’m doing now: moving FlowWard. 

After all, even a tortoise eventually gets where he's going.